Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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