I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
