Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
