gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
