remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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