Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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