I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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