my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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