normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
