Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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