Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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