He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
there is glitter all over my balls
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