She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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