I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
