at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
