I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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