i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
