Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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