At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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