No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
