Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
