Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
