im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
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bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize