Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
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Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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