I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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