you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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