Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
