Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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