***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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