my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
