Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
