hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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