I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
