i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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