She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
