I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
