You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Text me some of your sweat
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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