Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
