fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
