glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
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The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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