I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
