then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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