How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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