I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
