WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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