I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
