I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize