the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
