Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
