omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
