Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
