is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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