FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
