Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
