I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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