just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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