I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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