Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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